


i feel 2 much

by bitterhoney (hwanxiao)



Category: UP10TION
Genre: A Lot Of Them Actually, Angst, Gyujin is an innocent sweetheart, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Minsoo has problems, a mental breakdown at the end, it ends on a cliff hanger kinda, lack of emotions, slight psychopath tendencies, this isnt much of a "complete" fic, unestablished relationship, wooseok and minsoo besties, yein the parental figure forcing the two to make friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29257722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwanxiao/pseuds/bitterhoney
Summary: inspired by i feel 2 much, blackbearMinsoo has refused to let himself to grow attached to anyone, denying himself from ever getting disappointed or hurt but Han Gyujin seems to open him up in ways he didn't know possible
Relationships: Go Minsoo | Kogyeol/Han Gyujin
Kudos: 10





	i feel 2 much

**Author's Note:**

> beta reader ; @nfflying on twt ([nflying](https://t.co/mw2ArFbiop))

Go Minsoo was a type of beauty that was hard to ignore, something that made people trip over themselves just to get another good look at him; but at the same time he was unachievable—his heart closed off to everyone that surrounded him. His whole life had been spent playing  _ safe _ so he would never get hurt. 

Attachment and feelings would just pull him down—waste his time from focusing on the things that actually mattered. Minsoo had been quite successful in his quest at feeling nothing at all, even if it made his life boring and uneventful; he always thought it was better than being disappointed and getting his heart broken. Relying his happiness on someone else just sounded idiotic to him, who would he ever trust to make him happy other than himself.

He had friends of course, friends he’ll never let in completely. Wooseok didn't mind that he was inaccessible, the other even preferred the casual playfulness of their relationship than an emotional attachment. They couldn’t break each other and they didn’t make each other. Call him an emotionless freak but it was better than hurting when they faded away from each other; it hasn’t happened yet but Minsoo was more than less prepared for the day Wooseok grew tired of him.

_ Safe. _ He always played it safe.

Until Han Gyujin came waltzing into his life; all shy smiles, brown hair and gold rimmed glasses. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hyung, I can't do this anymore. Just let me fail,” Gyujin sighs in defeat as he looks at the pile of books and sheets sprawled out on the light beige carpet floor. It had been a year or two since Gyujin moved into the room next to his and after a few awkward encounters for the first month—Yein had insisted he tutor Gyujin since they were in the same major. Minsoo had told his small friend that it was an idiotic idea since he didn’t even want to  _ interact _ with the younger boy, but Yein had been awfully persuasive. Now, he had a constant headache living next to him.

“And let Yein scold me for not helping you again? It’s not even that hard; if you can’t make it past this then you’re never finishing your first year,” Minsoo says sternly as held up another book from the pile. Gyujin had combed through all of Minsoo’s first year notes and he  _ still  _ hadn’t understood a single thing; it was a miracle he even passed the entrance exams. 

“Maybe for you, I feel like I’m shoving glass shards into my head.” Gyujin says. Minsoo winces slightly at the mental image of that.

“What?” Gyujin frowns his way. “I’m so stupid, I should just drop out.” 

Minsoo felt his chest drop, the sudden emotion causing him to choke on the coffee in his hand, the feeling peculiar to his body as it tries to reject it. 

“Minsoo, are you okay?” Gyujin quickly stands up to hit his back, his face worried.

That’s one thing that Minsoo found interesting about Gyujin, his emotions were always on display for everyone to read easily—like he didn’t have a single thing to hide. Whether he was sad, happy or stressed; Minsoo could easily tell with just a quick glance. Right now, he was immensely worried for the older.

Minsoo hated that he liked knowing that the younger cared for him. “I’m fine, don’t worry about it. Just don’t say you’re stupid, you’re not” He brushed it off casually.

The younger shifts his gaze to the small watch around his wrists, glancing back up only to make eye contact with Minsoo once again. The older willed himself to not look away instantly. Gyujin’s eyes were like chocolate milk—soft, sweet and uncomplex; easy to understand and read. Minsoo sometimes would catch himself stealing glances at Gyujin when their other friends were around. He hated that for the first time, he couldn’t control how his emotions formed; he couldn’t command himself to push and banish the feelings down. Whenever he closed his eyes, Han Gyujin would appear right in his mind; his soft smiles running along Minsoo’s thoughts like an old vintage film.

“You’re looking a bit dissociated. You sure you’re okay?” Gyujin asks again.

Minsoo’s chest clenched from how the younger’s eyebrows bunched together in worry. Like a defense mechanism, his mouth moved before he could think, “Why the fuck are you so worried? I told you I’m fine.” Minsoo spat.

He regretted the words that left his mouth instantly. Gyujin stepped back, removing the hand he had on Minsoo’s shoulder—the warmth leaving him like putting out a fireplace in the middle of a freezing winter. “I’m sorry.” The younger mumbled an apology before returning to his pile of books. An awkward silence settled in between them.

The right thing to do was apologize; Minsoo knew that he should’ve, but his stupid pride stopped him from doing so. “Whatever,” He says in reply, fingers clutching at the oncoming headache.

It was stupid, Han Gyujin was a threat to his life plans.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Why  _ had it been Han Gyujin? Out of everyone that passed in and out of his life—why was it Gyujin that made him feel, why couldn’t he control his feelings like he always did? Maybe if it had been anyone else it would be easier, easier to fall out of love—or fall completely in love. With Gyujin, he was stuck in the horrible middle; they didn’t have anything going on between them, just acquaintances, barely even friends. He had no motivation to throw himself in completely, at the same time; he couldn’t pull out either.

And the difficult part was, he had to be aware of Gyujin’s feelings too. Even if Gyujin was insanely easy to read, there was no way of telling if he had any romantic feelings for him. He was nice, but that was the bare minimum. He was caring, but he was the same with anyone. 

At the moment, Gyujin was doing just that as he talked with Lee Hwanhee, a new addition to Yein’s “you must befriend him, Minsoo'' group. His small duo with Wooseok had increased in size after Yein was introduced into the group, much to both of their displeasure—Yein still continued to pull new people in. Minsoo could barely hear Gyujin and Hwanhee’s conversation over the sound of Yein and Jinwook singing along to something on the speaker. 

It would be wrong to barge in the middle of their conversation. So Minsoo kept his distaste to himself, he couldn’t be feeling this intensely just because Hwanhee was practically leaning over Gyujin’s shoulders. Jealousy was a disease, and he didn’t want to catch it; but as Gyujin stared right back at Hwanhee with doe eyes like the younger was oh so precious, Minsoo felt his chest burn. 

The cup in his hand was shaking arduously along with the involuntary vibrations of his fingers. He couldn’t get angry right now, especially with everyone around him. Minsoo closed his eyes as he took another deep breath, willing for the beating of his chest to slow along with his jagged breaths. He did this multiple times before; it always worked.

Except for _ fucking now _ , he already felt his face start to warm—the heat running to his ears and neck; his hands shaking, alcohol sloshing around the red cup violently. It seems as if his attempt to control his emotions had made it worse. Like a bubble finally being too full after years of stretching.

He did the next logical thing he could before he would explode; and that was to exit the room quietly. Minsoo quickly shuffled his feet along the soft carpet to the door as a quick escape, closing the door quietly behind him.

Heaving a harsh sigh instantly that he was out of hearing range. Yein’s room wasn’t far from his, only a few meters apart. Minsoo quickly made to work as he walked to his room, trying to keep his breathing as consistent as he could, even if he felt like screaming.

Gyujin had always been nice, always been pleasant to everyone. Why was his last string so thin? Was it the fact that he was straining for his whole life? That even the slightest nudge would send him over the edge? He had to do something about it, find a new way to contain his emotions. Was taking his heart out and locking it in a box a possible choice? He would have gone through with that surgery instantly. 

The door of his room clicked open as he quickly shoved himself inside, not bothering to lock the door properly. 

“Fuck,” Was all Minsoo could say as he headed straight for his bedroom. Everything hurts and he doesn't have enough experience to know how to deal with it, he’d have to ask Yein later; but at the moment, he’d have to figure something out by himself. 

Minsoo threw himself on to the bed, breathing in the scent of laundry detergent; it helped calm his nerves by a load. His shoulders started to relax into the dark sheets. Minsoo pulled out his phone, checking to see if there was anything to distract him—an unfinished assignment, a text from his parents, god he would be thankful for even a spam email about recipes on how to make ravioli.  _ Anything. _

“Hyung.”

Minsoo cursed at the fates who thought this was entertaining.

He didn’t have the heart to look at Gyujin, his voice was laced with worry and that had hurt enough. He didn’t want to see the younger’s distraught expression, it would break him. 

“What Gyu?” His words were slightly mumbled from the sheets. 

“You walked out suddenly, I was worried,” Gyujin says, placing himself on the edge of Minsoo’s bed. He could feel the mattress drop under the younger’s weight. 

“I just have a headache,” He answered shortly as an attempt to ignore Gyujin. He was so close to breaking apart completely, but he  _ couldn’t _ . Not in front of Gyujin,  _ not ever. _

“I know you’re going to get angry if I ask but, are you sure? I noticed you were really red when you left.” 

_ Why was he so observant? Why did he care? _

“I’m fine, really,” Minsoo says. 

Gyujin sighs loudly, causing Minsoo to cringe. “Then look at me, hyung.”

“What?” 

“Look at me then, if you’re really fine.” Gyujin repeats, his voice stern and unwavering.

Minsoo’s anger got the best of him, Gyujin couldn’t just boss him a round—who the fuck was he to do that?

But the second he turned around to face the younger, his anger evaporated instantly.

Those doe eyes were now directed at him, Gyujin was anxious, scared and worried—that could be easily read, but there was something else bubbling underneath; something Minsoo couldn’t exactly place his finger on. 

“Your eyes are glassy,” was all Gyujin said,

And that was Minsoo’s last straw.

Tears came over him like crashing waves, his chest clenched and unclenched so hard that it pained him to breathe, his vision starting to blur underneath all the tears that flowed to his cheeks. It felt bittersweet.

He was so  _ tired _ of forcing himself to think he couldn’t be affected by anyone. It was all a stupid lie, a barrier he put up to stop himself from getting hurt. 

Gyujin only stared at Minsoo, letting the older cry in a comfortable silence—his hand hovering whether to comfort Minsoo or just be his company.

“I’m sorry Gyujin, I don’t know what to do with myself. Everything is just so peculiar to me.” Much to the younger’s surprise, Minsoo’s voice didn’t waver as he spoke. 

Even if Gyujin didn’t know what Minsoo was talking about, he wrapped his arms protectively around the older’s shoulders, it was awkward since the both of them weren’t the type to be affectionate but deep inside—Minsoo needed this touch, he needed Gyujin’s reassurance.

“It’s okay.” Gyujin mumbles into his neck, Minsoo shudders into the other's touch. 

Minsoo wasn’t the type to beg, but for this once—he needed it.

“Stay, only for a little bit.” 

“I wasn’t planning on leaving, hyung.”

Minsoo didn’t know what was going to happen between them next, maybe this breakdown was just a one time thing, maybe they’ll go back to awkward touch and glances. Or maybe something  _ more  _ would omit. He decided to leave that for the future to decide. 

For once in his life, he wanted to live in the moment, in Gyujin’s arms. He wasn’t thinking about the future, just how his heart right now felt warm and fuzzy. 


End file.
